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519 - This Isn't The Highlight Reel... It's The Cutting Room Floor

519 - This Isn't The Highlight Reel... It's The Cutting Room Floor

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Here’s a vulnerable episode from Russell, talking about the things that he’s currently struggling with in his life.

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You guys have heard me say before, no success can compensate for failure of the home, and that's something I believe, it's interesting because all these things going into this, the hard thing, at least for me, has been the relationships, having a dream and a vision of what you want in your marriage that maybe your spouse doesn't have the same vision, or with your kids or your kids' lives, it's just been extra hard the last few months, brutally hard, if I'm completely honest at times.


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What's up everybody, this is Russell Brunson. Welcome back to the marketing secrets podcast, but I'm not going to lie, today we're not talking about marketing. We are talking about persuasion. We're talking about honestly, the hard things about hard things. Here we go. All right. So I don't know this podcast episode's going to be different. I may not even publish it, I'm not sure yet, but this is the opposite of the highlight reel that typically on social media and Instagram and Facebook and email list and on stage and everywhere, you always get, hear about the highlights of people's life, because they're fun to talk about and no one likes to talk about the stuff they're struggling with and those kind of things.

I just wanted to get real with you guys for a little bit and hopefully that's okay. You talk about the opposite side, the stuff that you hope falls on the cutting room floor when they make the movie out your life someday, but man, I am in this weird phase of trying to learn and grow in a way that is so much harder than honestly anything else I've done in the past.

I don't know about you, but I am an achiever in most things in my life. I've gone after I've been able to figure out a way to achieve. It's a whole science of achievement, right? When I was a wrestler, I figured out the process and the path and the systems and everything I needed to do to be successful in wrestling and I had a very rest success wrestling career. When I got into business, I figured out the frameworks I needed to master, I mastered them and I become very successful in business. Those are the things where I can work harder and I become more successful that I do good at, and it's interesting because I wish that everything was that way, because hard work is something I can control, I can figure out, I can have success with. I want to talk about the other side.

I want to caveat this first off by saying that I'm not sharing these things, how do I say it? It's funny whenever I give any kind of something I'm doing to lose weight or to gain strength or physical stuff, and you have to know my audience and you guys are, you guys are my audience, you understand this, but, I have every health and fitness guru follows me and says, we talk about fitness, like boom, they all come to me and are like, "oh Russell, I can change your diet, I'll change you know", or if I talk about whatever, they're all there and I appreciate it and I love it, and that's why I love serving you guys, because you're all servants and your givers and you have talents and skills and ways to do it.

So I just want to kind of caveat this with understanding this is not me just walking into the desert alone, not knowing it. This is me going through 10 years of studying on this, trying to figure it out, and it's the mastery of relationships and it is so much harder than the mastery of success. Again, success is me and it's all based on my will and my effort and the hard work I'm going to put into anything, where with the relationships, it's not that way. It's not that way with your relationship with your significant other. It's not that way with your relationship with your kids. It's interesting, I can't outwork it, you know, I get in my business, if I'm working hard and people aren't conforming to my will, what I need them to do, I can fire them right.

I have a process, a path, a vision, and you're either with me or you're not. If you're not, I can cut you and I build an A-team people that I can move forward with. Where in family and marriage and kids and things like that. It's not the same, this is the team we pick the team and I am someone who is faithful to my team till I die. I love my wife, I love my kids, there's nothing that will ever distract from that, that'll take from that.

You guys have heard me say before, no success can compensate for failure of the home, and that's something I believe, it's interesting because all these things going into this, the hard thing, at least for me, has been the relationships, having a dream and a vision of what you want in your marriage that maybe your spouse doesn't have the same vision, or with your kids or your kids' lives, it's just been extra hard the last few months, brutally hard, if I'm completely honest at times.

Our kids are so cool, we have amazing kids, really good kids, but, they have their own free agency and they have their own ideas and they have their own things and they have so many negative voices around them, from school, from music, from movies, from all these things that we try to shelter and protect our kids from. Cause we know the damage they can do, but, but they get access to them. They find the things, it was crazy because I'm sure my parents did the same thing for me when I was a kid, I remember finding things that looking back now, , I wish I never would've been exposed to these things because they're so horrible for my soul, for my livelihood, for my life, all these things.

As parents, we naturally love our kids. We try to protect them from these things, knowing that they're going to harm them, but we're in the world and they're there and they get exposed to them, there are things that are negative that seem so positive in some lights and it's things where you just want to protect and block, but what I've seen in my life and I'm feeling in my life is when you try to do that, it just pushes the people you love the most further away from you. Well, how do you navigate that? I have talked long and hard with Stacy and Paul Martino, who I love, they run relation and they have their courses and their seminars and I've been through them all, so I understand it at a deeper level than most, I think. They have their core framework that is so beautiful is this thing called demand relationship, and demand relationship is what most of the world does. You try to demand for people to do what you want, which can work in some aspects of life.

In business, I can demand that you do it my way, or I find someone who can and will, but in relationships you can't because when you do that it breaks the relationship. Instead, how do we persuade and steer and help them to make correct decisions without demanding it. It's interesting because I feel like I'm a good role model, I've tried hard, I feel like people inside of our community, for the most part, feel like I'm a good role model. I've tried to be a good father and husband. I don't use bad language. I'm faithful to my wife. I do all the things and I have a lot of people who've told me I look up to you, I look up to your values and things like that, so you always think, I'm going to be the best example possible and my kids will follow, and it's confusing when, when they don't, right?

It's one of those things, one thing that Stacy Paul talk a lot about is, if you are a believer in Christ, you look at this as what Christ taught and what he did is that he believes in transformation through inspiration. That's a phrase I got from Stacy and Paul. Like, if I want to transform someone, it's not through demanding them, it's through inspiration, seeing me and saying like, wow, that's what I want in my life. I've tried to create my life in a way that I want my kids like, "man, my mom and dad have things figured out, I want to live the same life," it's so confusing and hard and painful when the kids push against those things. Anyway, I'm saying that because I know that it's hard everywhere. I think sometimes we too often see the highlight reel and we think that everyone's lives are easy, and I just want you to know that it's tough. I feel like in fact, it's been fascinating, I started writing this "Secrets to Success" book, that might be the first time I told you as a title, I can't remember.

As I go deeper and deeper into this, if I feel like God's at the same time is like, are you really want to write this book then? All right. We're going to amplify all these things, because if you write this book, I don't want you to write it from a knowledge standpoint, like, oh, I understand, I've read books about this. He's like, I want you to write this book from the depths of the pain, so you can have empathy and you can relate and you can serve at a different level, and maybe that's what's happening. Maybe I should have decided to write this book because it's been interesting. It's forced me, in fact, I think I told you I've written 200 and something pages of it and I just started over, because his is not the right book. This was very much very heady, like oh, here's the things I know and that I've learned as opposed to inside the refiner's fire, this is what it looks like, this is what's happening, this is where I'm going.

Last weekend or two weekends ago, I can't remember, now we had the chance to go spend time with Tony Robbins, and it wasn't during my session, but during someone else's session, he talked about the six human needs, which as you guys know is one of my favorite things he's ever taught. In fact, I have his permission to share a lot of it in the new book, which is going to be really cool. The six human needs, all of us as humans gravitate towards where our needs are being met, right?

In the book, I can't wait to share the books you guys, but in the book I lead with us figuring out our values, and from there, we assign identities to each value. Then we had these things we value in life that were seeking towards that bring us happiness, but the values are all things that bring us sadness. We don't get sad by something we don't value falling apart, so when you value something and it falls apart that it breaks your heart, right? I value my family, I value my kids, I value our relationship with God so much when those things are falling apart, that's when there's pain, deep pain. It's interesting though, because as humans, what we default to, and we will slip back into the ruts of wherever our needs are met the best.

Tony had us all do this exercises where we look at the core things in our life, your marriage and your business, your work, your schooling, your family, wherever you're at. How are these things meeting your needs, and going through the six human needs exercises, are my needs being made here? It's fascinating when you start seeing the place you're spending the bulk of your time is likely where your needs are being met the most, for me it's so easy for me to get my needs met in business. I get certainty, I get variety, I get love and connection, I get significance, I get growth, I get contribution, all my needs get met at the office when I'm working, all of them.

I come home and I look at my relationship with my wife, and I love her so much, and I look at my kids, but my needs aren't met there. Some of my needs are, but not as many, not as easily, so it's hard because we default back to like the thing where our needs are being met, because that's where I'm successful, that's what I'm happy. That's where these needs get met. If I truly want happiness in life, it's a pursuit of all of our values, not just the one. If I'm going to do that, like how do I get my needs met inside of my family and inside of my marriage and inside of these other things that I value so much, that I want so much.

It's hard, it's an interesting juggling act. I'm letting you guys know this because partially it's turning this book into a much better book. It's again, the refiner's fire I'm going through right now in the parts of my life that are the most precious, and the things I value the most. I value these things more than the business.

Yet, they're the things that also cause the most pain at times. I'm in the middle of it, and it's interesting because I keep thinking I can't just outwork this. I can't just work harder to make my kids value certain things. I can't work harder to make my wife value certain things. I can't outwork this, this isn't a problem. I can outwork everything else I can outwork, but this I can't. It's coming back and it's transformation through inspiration, but it's not guaranteed. That's what's so hard about it.

When I work hard, there's a guarantee at the end, if I work hard, I might not win a state title, but I could, at least I can work towards it. I might not make a million dollars, but I can. There's a thing, where's these other ones, it's not like it's not working hard, but even if I do, if I live the perfect life and I try to do all things perfect and hopefully people will see that and they'll want to get closer to me. It doesn't mean it's going to happen, and Christ is a perfect example of that. They crucified him, his people followed him, but not everybody. Even his disciples, even the people he loved the most, one of them betrayed him.

It's an interesting, hard, scary time. Anyway, I don't know why I'm sharing this. I'm not looking for y'all to send me a bunch of books or resources, I promise you. I have conservatively bought about 4,000 books in the last six months, mostly around this topic or topics that are tangential to this. I spent a lot of money in coaching with Stacy and Paul, with other relationship experts, with other gurus and life coaches. I'm deep into it, so it's not that I don't know the answers, it's just that getting to the answers are so much harder than other things, because it's the things you value most.

I think what I'm telling you this is partially for me just to get it out, and I appreciate you guys being outlet for that. They give me hope and faith that no matter what I got to keep doing it. I got to keep working through it, because I value these people more than life itself, that's why it's worth. That's why it's worth it to keep coming back up, keep stepping back into it, try to figure it out and working through it, even when your needs aren't being met, even when it seems dark, even when you want to strangle a kid sometimes or something, because you love them and you value them that's the goal. I know this isn't a Christian podcast at all, but Christ is a figure and I believe he is a son of God.

You may not believe that, and that's fine, but he was a great example regardless, his stories are amazing. One of the stories that we talked tonight with the kids about is how when Christ lost his sheep, he lost the one and he left the 99 and went and got the one, and I think that's a big part of it is for us is to understand like that's our role too. If we truly love these people, if there are families and our kids and our things, we've got to love them, not demand them to believe what we want or value what we want, but to try to show them why to live life in a way where they see that these values and things that you've you've put out there that they're correct, and hopefully they'll follow you.

I don't have a moralist story other than it's worth it, I promise you. For me there're times I want to rest, I want to cry, I want to step aside, but it's the thing you value most. It's interesting, I had decided today actually in the book is we list out our values, let's say there's five or six core things you value. In fact, I can't remember who was said this, but sometimes it's hard to identify what is the thing you value, but it's the thing that like you defend the most, if somebody talked bad about it.

If sometime someone talk bad about you, if you would defend that and fight it, that's something you value, otherwise you wouldn't get so upset. If you ever got upset at social media's because someone triggered one of your values, something you believe in. You have these different values and the pursuit of our values is what actually brings us happiness. It's interesting because the over pursuit of value or there's the ying and the yang also, let's say you value eating just love it. I love creating food and cooking food and all those kind of things, and so it's something you value and you pursue, but in moderation, it's correct and it'll bring you joy, but overuse it can kill you, and that's true in almost every values.

I'm looking deeper, every value, incorrect moderation is valuable overdoing it can damage you in relationships. Underdoing it is where you feel this gap, maybe it's depression, I don't know that the sadness of the frustration of I'm not living up to the things I believe in. I think there's like a hierarchy too of your needs. If we were to map it out and say here's a hierarchy of our needs, I bet most of us will be like our spouses and then our kids and then our families, whatever your needs are and you have your health, you have your business, you have your mission, you look the hierarchy.

I haven't done this yet for myself, so I don't know, but my guess is that the hierarchy is that we're probably putting the majority of our time and the thing that we value the most. We go to the value where our needs get met most, but not the thing that we actually value the most. It's interesting, human brains are fascinating. This whole book, it's interesting, when I first started writing the "Secrets to Success" book, it was about habits and routines and patterns and stuff like that, and then it's getting deeper and deeper, it's nothing to do with any of that, not nothing, it's all your mind, it's your conscious, your subconscious, your instinctive mind and the war, the battle between those three is the game. It's the game we're playing.

Anyway, I wanted to teach this, I want to write this book so bad. All those other projects that are pressing, that are holding me from, but that's the thing I want to do the most. I think it's going to be the biggest impact I can give to you guys to the world right now. I'm hoping I don't die before that book's done, let me finish that book and then you can take me. No, just kidding don't take me, I'm going to stay a long time. All right, there you go, guys, there's vulnerable Russell.

I just want to share out with you guys, and I know that everyone here has got something like this. My guess, and I don't know this for sure, but my guess is it's rare where somebody's got all the aspects of life figured out, all the things they value in balance. I feel like that's like ultimate happiness. Usually the one that we're aware of, the one that we're famous for on social is usually the one that our needs to be met in the one we amplify and the ones we spend our most of our time, but I guess is there're other ones that we value as much, if not more, that aren't fulfilling our needs or aren't spending our time in. Hopefully for all you guys, that just understanding that the stuff on the cutting room floor is the stuff that probably matters the most. Thanks you guy, and we'll talk to y'all soon, bye everybody.


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