What’s up everybody? This is Russell Brunson, welcome back to the Marketing Secrets podcast. I have something that I’m really excited to share with you, you guys are in for a treat today.
So I’ve been working with Matt Maddix on a really cool project. He and Caleb, they do a lot of really cool work in the streets helping people who are homeless, people who have lost fathers, things like that. And I wanted my kids to have this experience, so I’ve been working with Matt to set up a time for my kids and I to fly out there and literally live in the streets for 3 or 4 days and work with the kids and help and serve. I’m really excited for that, so I’ve been working with him kind of getting that coordinated and scheduled.
And at the end of one of our conversations, he voxed me this question that was just like, it kind of caught me off guard and I was like, huh. And I sat there and I thought, for like 15 or 20 minutes I thought about it, and then I responded back and gave him my answers. And as I gave him my answer I was like, “Man, that was like the most effective, efficient questions ever.” And I started thinking, I could use these in so many more situations. I could use them with my wife, with my kids, with people I work with, in all situations. It’s such a powerful thing.
So afterwards I messaged him and I was like, “Can you vox me the story behind those three questions because that was amazing and I think this is something that everybody in our community needs to understand and to learn and to utilize.”
So basically the questions he asked me, I’ll go through them really quick, and then we’ll jump into the actual episode. So the first question he said, “Hey, if you could answer three questions for me. The first question is what do you wish I would keep doing? Number two, what do you wish I would stop doing? Number three is what do you wish I would start doing?” He told me, “I used to ask Caleb that question as a kid, you know every..” I can’t remember, every week or every month, and he’s like, “The way I became a great dad is because Caleb taught me how to be a great dad by answering those questions consistently.
And I was like, “Oh my gosh.” If I want to become a great leader, I gotta learn how to ask those questions and my people will teach me how to be a great leader. If I want to be a great spouse, I need to ask my spouse, my wife those questions, and she’ll teach me how to be a good spouse. And if I want to be a good father….I was like, oh my gosh. This is so powerful and so cool. So that’s the three questions, we’re going to queue up the theme song, and when we come back you guys are going to have an intimate listen in on a vox back from Matt Maddix, explaining the three questions, how he used it, and how it’s transformed his life.
I hope this tool is something you can use. I’m so excited about it. I’m going to be using it literally every day of my life from now on. And I want to thank Matt Maddox for sharing it with me. And hopefully this tool will be beneficial to you as well.
Matt: Good morning. What’s going on, my friend? Congratulations on yesterday, I prayed God’s blessing and favor. Caleb and I took a trip and we had a long chat about you, and just love you guys. I was actually sharing with him, because I actually asked him, it was something I did as a dad and it just kind of came from me. I just, I asked Caleb a lot of questions, so when he was younger I said, “Caleb,” I said, “Here’s what dad’s going to do.” I said, “I’m going to ask you three questions, and here’s what’s cool about these questions. The rule is this, you get to say anything you want, and first of all, Dad’s not going to get one bit upset. I’m not going to get defensive. I’m not going to get my feelings hurt. I’m actually going to be so thankful that you gave me this feedback.”
And I said, “You’ve got to give me at least one thing and then you can give me as many as you want.” So I would start off with, you know, these questions are like, “What does Dad need to keep doing? What do I need to start doing? And what do I need to stop doing?” and sometimes how you ask him whether you need to start off saying, you know, “What do I start doing, what do I need to keep doing, what do you want me to stop doing?” I think that was the pattern I would usually go with.
So when he would say, “You know Dad, I wish you would stop correcting me in front of my friends.” I would say, “Okay, well first of all Caleb, thanks for sharing that. That helps me because I didn’t know that bothered you.” And then you know, it created conversations where I could get even deeper feedback and it made him feel validated. And plus it really did help me, when I asked this to my wife or to my son, or to my business partners, my friends. It’s like the rawest form of feedback you can get. And it’s so healthy, you can grow.
So anyway, it just made me an amazing dad. So then I’d be like, “Okay Caleb, thank you so much.” And it’s very important that you’re at a setting where you’re taking a walk, or that you can really be in that moment. And it’s not just in passing, but it’s you know, we treat it like it’s kind of sacred.
So anyways I would say, “Okay, what do I keep doing? Give me some things…” and of course a lot of times kids might say, “Keep telling me, keep…” you know whatever, “Keep taking me to get ice cream.” I don’t know. But actually one time he’s like, “you know dad,” he said, you know, “Keep writing letters because you don’t realize it, but I love these letters that I get in my lunch box, but my teacher reads them to all my class. So not only are you encouraging me, you’re encouraging all my friends.” So like, I didn’t know that. He shared with me the teacher, it just was awesome how he did that.
But anyway, so then one more would be like, “Okay, well tell me what I need to start doing.” And that was my favorite because like, “Okay, what I mean by start doing is give me one thing I can do as a dad to make you feel safe, or make you feel more loved, more encouraged, whatever it is, what’s something I can do better? Give me one thing.”
And I remember one time Caleb said, “Oh dad, you always tell me you’re proud of me. But it would mean a lot to me if you would be specific and tell me what you’re proud of me for.” So that taught me a lot.
So those three questions to your kids, to your wife, to your business partners, to those that are closest to you, in fact, I’m doing a deal right now where to those that are closest to me, I’m going to ask them all the same questions that I asked you. I have a whole list. I’m like, ‘Hey, I want you to tell me. I will not get hurt. I will not justify it, will not defend. I won’t get mad, I won’t pull away. I won’t give you the silent treatment. I’ll actually be so grateful, even if it’s the rawest feedback.” You know, like yours.
Had I not asked you that question, like you helped me grow. You helped me be a better leader. That potential, that feedback gave, saved me millions of dollars and helped me advance the mission forward.
Anyways, that was kind of my flow with it. I think it’s healthy for everyone to do it. And of course, obviously this requires you to have that humble personal growth mindset that, I want feedback. I want to know that if I do something that causes my kids, a lot of times kids won’t say it. I read a book one time called, “Keys to your Child’s heart” and it talks about how to get your children to open up. And it’s, these are the little things that we can do as parents to get us, even with our teen. It makes them feel heard, it makes them feel validated. And then by you thanking them and making conscious effort to make sure that, “hey, you know what, I took your feedback to heart.”
Even yours Russell, I’m trying to like, the feedback you gave me about not coming across so strong so I don’t isolate other people, that was so valuable for me. Like I tell people all the time, “Dude, how’d you get to be such a great dad?” that’s deep, but the number one secret is, “Caleb taught me how to be a great dad.” because I would ask him, ‘Hey, you know, even though I needed to correct you..” and we would talk through it. It was just like constant communication about everything, which was huge. And just constantly listening to the requests that our children give, on how they’re motivated or inspired or whatever it is.
But anyway, I just thought I would throw that in there because it was definitely a huge breakthrough for us, because for me as a dad, or even as a boss, the more feedback I can get that’s safe, then that only makes me a better leader, a better dad. And it does bond you with your wife, your kids, your teen, when there’s that ability to just share all three. Because all three are healthy, because one of them is like, “Hey, this is what you’re doing amazing.” The other one is like, ‘Hey, this is a blind spot. You don’t realize this.” As your wife, your kid, “I want you to stop doing this.”
You know, I still ask Caleb, this was hard for me to ask him as an 18 year old young man, but I still do it. Even on the way here I was like, “Caleb I want you to tell me. You’re not gonna…” you know, I did it exactly the same way I did and anyway, there’s a bond that takes place when they feel heard, but also it’s encouraging for me to say, “Tell something that I can, give me one thing I can start doing.” Then you’re learning. So then you learn what, what do I keep doing? What do I do that makes you feel loved? What do I do that makes you feel motivated or whatever? But anyway, I love you man, let me know anything else you need from me. Keep up the amazing work. We’re here for you 24/7.